It's been about a month since her stillbirth; about a month of her nursing and grooming and mothering Skye's kittens (who were about two months old at the time). Now suddenly Donnie or Megan -- I can't remember who told me, now, but it was one of them -- are saying that the kittens can develop brain damage from nursing off a cat who didn't give birth to them.

Which I thought, eh, weird, but...but. As it turns out, because I just fucking googled it myself, no. No, idiot, that is not an issue. I mean, sure, if the nursing cat has an infection. But in and of itself, no. So one blanket "truth".

Then tonight, when I was just casually venting about the stupidity of the design of these apartments -- there are a total of three closets: one in each bedroom, and a living room closet. No linen closet/storage, bathroom storage, nothing. And I again I get scoffed at, this time by Donnie, who says "Kim, NO ONE builds houses any more with linen closets. People like me and Megan, we're lucky to have two sheets, we don't need a closet. That's just a living room or coat closet." And on and on she went. Just Ugh.

Anyway, that was a sidebar. The Cinder cat update. I've had this thought, for awhile now. Luna, when she came back to us, she was already pregnant. And we made the cute belly jokes, and pampered her, and loved on her. Same when we found out Skye was pregnant. We weren't thrilled, but we still made the cute belly jokes, and smiled at how much she was eating, and she blossomed after moving into Donnie and Megan's room. Then Cinder. Except, we never really thought she was pregnant. I thought she might be having a false pregnancy, because she had the belly, and her back two nipples swelled up, though she didn't have any milk. And we...she got shoved out of the way. Pushed off laps. Tossed like an after thought (that was NOT me, I don't toss any of the cats, and I've been told how "unfair" it is of me to shoot murder glares at anyone who does).

Were we, the collective household, the reason she had a stillbirth? I feel so bad for her, I ache with it. And she's still mourning, I think -- she's so aggressive with any of the other adult cats. And I think it was that, more than the "brain damage from nursing" that prompted Megan and Donnie to say no more nursing. Instead, they now stick her in a kennel if she attacks another cat. Which, I get that. Bad behavior, especially aggressive behavior, needs to have a clear "no, you can't do this" message.

But tonight she's in my bathroom. With a litterbox, a bowl of food and a bowl of water, plus a towel to lay on. But I can hear her in there, crying. She'd mostly quieted down, and then I had to use the bathroom so now she's all agitated again. And I swear it's like the one time I tried to let Matthew "cry it out" to go to sleep. It hurts just like that one and only time I tried it. Madisyn said it's necessary, because of her behavior. That she did the same thing with Luna, when Luna lost her first two litters. It just seems cruel. She has brain damage herself (how's the for irony?) from before we got her, which I think is part of the reason that it's affecting her so badly -- and also why I feel so bad.

I don't know. I'm tired, I'm worn out from two weeks of no air conditioning, constant bitching and tension in the house. I can't live by myself, not for a while, and I don't feel wanted or welcome by anyone in this house, and I just want my Cinder cat to go back to being her sweet self and for everyone to go somewhere else. For a long time. :-/

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